End of the Road
A week ago Monday, I approached my boss and the VP of sales to inform them that I was fairly certain I would be resigning soon. I told them that I wanted to give them the benefit of having an opportunity to try to do what they could to help me want to stay here at The Company With Which I Am Employed.
There are a great many reasons why I was wanting to resign, and most of them are too messy and long to go in to. The bottom line is that I have nearly come to the end of what I can accomplish here. If I stayed longer I believe that: 1) I would lose my mind and/or sanity and/or sense of humor about the ridiculousness of most of the things and people (sweet as they are) here, and 2) I would lose (am losing) the ability to have a positive impact as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ.
I don’t really know if it is appropriate for me to say that, but I have to face the reality that I was confronted with yesterday: this place is starting (has started) to bring out the worst in me. In truth, I am more sad about the fact that I might have lost my effectiveness as a believer than I am about anything else. Because of that, it has to be time to go. The job is also causing me more physical and emotional strain than I can bear any longer. More than the Lord would have to me bear, I believe. I have noticed myself become rendered ineffective in many other areas of my life as a result of the continued turmoil and stress of work. And there is no benefit or gain in that.
Mr. Manager, Mr. VP, and Mr. President have all tried relentlessly to get me to stay. We have gone back and forth with negotiations many, many times (too many to mention). We have had countless meetings and discussions (some heated). In many ways, I understand their sense of urgency and desperation to get me to stay. We have lost people left and right over the course of the last year. We have recently lost a valuable member of the sales team of which I am a part. The work load has increased. The stress has increased. The number of accounts that I now manage far outnumbers those of the other account managers. There will be more work than anyone can do when all that is piled up in front of them, in addition to the load they each already have. That part troubles me. But in the end, it is not personal, and unfortunately (fortunately?), I have to walk away. I tendered by resignation a week ago Tuesday. My last day with The Company With Which I Am Employed is Friday, December 8.
The subsequent conversations to my resignation, and the back-pedaling, and the constant mind-changing, and he-said, she-said stuff, are all indications (reminders) to me that ultimately the philosophy and the mentality of this organization are not something I will allow myself to believe in or be subject to any more. Of course, this has all come after many conversations with trusted friends and counselors, and much prayer. The Lord has been good through it all, and I am very, very thankful for the exercise, for the burden, and even for the confusion.
I have been criticized for walking away from so much money, and for throwing away such great opportunities to become a sales executive down the road, and all “at such a young age”. And believe me, I have fought those things in my own mind, and at times have become weak to my flesh and have believed that those things would solve many of my problems. So I guess that part of the back and forth has been caused by me as well, and by the fact that I have become, in some ways, what this company is: Chaotic.
All those things aside, I know that the Lord is ultimately leading in this direction for many reasons that I will never understand. You must know that I actually am very sad to leave this place for many reasons. I don’t dislike my job. I don’t dislike the people I work with. I actually rather like many, many things about my job. There are so many good things about what I do. But there are so many bad things, and they have grown to be greater than the good.
The Lord has different plans for me than this, I think. And I know he certainly wants to keep me dependent on Him. So I am very thankful for this decision. I am thankful that the Lord is keeping me close, that He is not allowing me something that will pull me from Him and cause me to find any sort of satisfaction in myself. I cannot imagine anything more kind and good and loving than that.
The Lord is faithful. He will provide. He always has. He always WILL provide abundantly more than I can ask or think or hope for. Thank you for your prayers with me through this era. I am so thankful for them, and please know that your efforts at intercession have been fruitful indeed. The Lord is good.
Ephesians 3:14-21-
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.”
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The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy
To discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the Promise
And the things I know
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacks
The future feels so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I’ve learned
Those roads were closed off to me
While by back was turned
“Painting Pictures of Egypt”, by Sara Groves
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